Like a stranger offering you a gift. It gets a little more tempting each time.
Maybe a little candy. Then a toy. A game. Money. More money.
Just more.
I tell him "Just a little more time."
One time he had me by the throat and I changed my mind.
At least he's nice enough to give me another try.

Overwhelmed by depression when I remember there's school. A constant painful, yet empty feeling resides in my chest. Cliche'd, I just want the pain to go away.
I can already see my future- and it's not bright. I already realized I got my hopes up too early. That I'd meet the perfect one when I'm finally free of this hellhole. I'd only be entering another one...

What's there I can do?

Why do I even feel like this?

I mean, I halfly feel like screaming out alllllllll my problems, and all of the things I've no doubt vented to others several times, but I'm also certain that wouldn't make the pain go away.

I have no life.
I feel I have no friends.

I feel like resorting to my earlier plan- getting wasted, drugged and becoming a used up whore- just to finally end it all afterwards.
Sounds like a good plan to me. New people, experiences, and I'd probably die happy.

Relief.
Knowing I don't have to wake up again.
I'll never have to hear anyone bitch, whine, or spam me with things. I'll never have to be expected of anything. I'll finally have peace and quiet. And all I have to do is sleep.

Again I want to die but I'm still too chicken. I think. Haven't tried it in the past month or so.
Maybe I should cut myself. for more than one reason...
To see if it really does 'relieve stress' and for artistic reasons. I really want to use real blood sometime and sadly my regular nosebleeds are now rare.


I've been thinking lately, how everything will end. Thanks to the song, it hit me. I already know how it's going to end. It's going to be painful, heartbreaking, depressing, agonizing, and make me suicidal all over again. How I'll never find true happiness.

Regardless to the far future, the near future will be just as bad. I'm graduating and as soon as I do, I'm going to be pushed into college whether I want to or not... Great, more school... I'm an emotional wreck as it is...
It's bad enough the college description makes it sound like stereotypic game 'geeks' will be surrounding me....
No offense. I just can't be myself around them since I insult just about everyone and everything.From what I've seen, they really overreact and like to prove a point till I somehow can see the error of my ways. Or simply shun me when I clearly state 'I was joking'.

Fanatics in general, I suppose.

Every day is the same thing. I never have anything to look forward to now.
No I don't want an adults help. It's bad enough I see through their irritating cheery tones that scream money.
Once again:
I have had 4 years of proffesional psychology- and have started up again. Almost 5 now.
Kids help phone was just plain rediculous. They didn't even help me when I asked for it (Kinda like the police) either that i sat on the phone on hold for several hours.
family counceling has failed
Online help has failed
In person has failed


But whatever.....

I have to end this short.